


Love is Patient

by flipflopfish, Maisie_top_trash



Series: Unseen - Fear Will Lose [30]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Abuse, Anxiety, But nevertheless there is some hope becauusseee, Depression, F/M, First Kiss, Homophobia, Internalised Homophobia, M/M, Mental Illness, OCD, Panic Attacks, Religion, Self Harm, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-02
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2019-01-08 08:21:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12250602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flipflopfish/pseuds/flipflopfish, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maisie_top_trash/pseuds/Maisie_top_trash
Summary: Unseen Fear Will Lose is a series of single chapter stories showing unseen scenes from the same universe as my main story, Fear Will Lose. In order to fully enjoy these extra bits, I recommend you go and read that first.Fear Will LoseTyler thought the moment was right, he thought the signals were pointing towards the thing he had longed for ever since Josh had sat next to him in biology at the start of the year. He just didn't expect Josh to run so fast.





	Love is Patient

**Author's Note:**

> my first ever collab! And just in time to celebrate one year of this series! Hope you enjoy xx

“So, wait a second, so, so this,”  
“Is the control, so we have to keep that the same for all of them. Pretty much all of it has to stay the same otherwise it’s not a fair test.”  
“Right, and we change whether it’s got the fertiliser thing?” Josh asked, a look of sheer confusion decorating but not impacting the attractiveness of his pale face.  
“Change how much of it we use.” Tyler nodded, rolling his pencil between the pads of his forefinger and his thumb, feeling as the hexagonal corners bumped against his skin whilst Josh scribbled hurried notes in his notepad.

“Right,” He sighed, brow furrowed as he locked eyes with Tyler again.  
“Any more questions before we do the next bit? Or you okay?”  
“You’re so clever, you know that right?” Josh said innocently, voice shy and quiet, and Tyler smiled, not just because it was Josh complimenting him, but because he half believed him. Was he the next Einstein? No. Was it nice to be the one who understood what was going on? Yes. And honestly, Tyler was proud of himself for being able to concentrate in class rather than on stupid little things like how many cracks were in the patio. It was progress, a unique and personal victory.

“Oh, and, uh, and no, I don’t think so. Not now at least.” He remembered the question and Tyler laughed a little.  
“Okay, so when it comes to the intervals for the fertiliser-“  
“Wait I do have one!”  
“Fiiiiiine, what?” Tyler teased.  
“So they all have to be the same,”  
“Yeh,”  
“But, like, we’re using different plants.”  
“Same species.”  
“But, but, couldn’t, I don’t know, like one plant be super good at growing? Like excessively super.”  
“What? A superpowered plant?” Tyler laughed at him and Josh sulked, then playfully pretended to push him off the bed.

“Bully.”  
“Aw I’m sorry,”  
“You’re mean.”  
“Come on! Imagine a little plant with, like, a little cape and a mask,” Tyler giggled and Josh continued to play the victim for a few seconds but was eventually infected with laughter too and before long they were both laughing at each other rather than the stupid mental image, going red in the face and tearing up a little.

“Working hard? Or hardly working?” Mom popped her head round the door and Tyler was quick to wipe his face and smile at her, and she smiled back.  
“Hey Mrs Joseph.”  
“Hey Josh, how’s your sister doing?”  
“Better thank you, yeah, the doctor said she can get the cast off in two weeks.”  
“Oh that’s great, pass on my love.”  
“I will.” He smiled. Tyler knew that Abigail had a pretty nasty break to her wrist but Josh had been vague with the cause, something along the lines of falling down the basement steps, or once he swore Josh had said she fell off her bike, but he might have been mistaken. Either way, he was glad she was doing better.

“Are you boys finally getting around to that biology homework?”  
“Ty’s doing all the hard work.”  
“Josh did a great doodle of a daisy though Mom.” Tyler smirked as he held up his notepad for her to see and she laughed whilst Josh hid his face and laughed with embarrassment. He looked adorable.

“Haha alright, great job darling. Just came to say I’m going to nip across to the elementary school to get the littleones from basketball in a minute.”  
“Is Dad not here?”  
“No, he’s taking the old drawers over to Steve’s, apparently they’re gonna turn it into furniture for his garden or something? Anyway, he’s out.”  
“So it’s just us?” Tyler asked softly.  
“Zack’s out front shooting hoops if you need him, and you can call me if you need me, okay baby? It’s not an issue.”  
“A-are you sure?” He checked again, not quite sure whether she knew it was the first time he’d been left in the house without a parent since they moved in almost a year ago.

“I’m here Ty,” Josh caught on. “You and me, we’ll keep an eye on each other.”  
“You’ll be fine baby.”  
“I’ll be fine,” he copied uncertainly.  
“I trust you.” She smiled, holding firm eye contact and nodding supportively. Tyler was uneasy for a moment, then looked across at Josh by his side and felt those fears melt away.

“Thanks Mom.” Tyler climbed off the bed and went across to her, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close. The hug meant more than words could convey, and the squeeze she gave made his heart swell with pride.  
“Love you angel.” She kissed him on the temple. “Stay safe,”  
“I will I promise. See you later.”  
“See you later,”

She closed the door gently behind her as she left, and Tyler couldn’t help but smile at his feet as he walked back over to his bed where Josh was sat. Recently Mom had been casually dropping how proud she was of him into conversation more often, but this was the first physical manifestation of that pride becoming an action, and it stirred something up deep within him. For so long he had been the cause of her constant worrying, always fearing he was going to be self harming or having panic attacks or getting caught up on one of those stupid counting things he used to be ruled by, but now he was the cause of her pride.

“You okay?” Josh asked softly as he climbed up next to him once more, noticing how they were ever so slightly closer, thighs touching, neither complaining.  
“Yeh, yeh I think I am actually.”

“Let’s take a break from bio, we can do this later.”  
“Okay,” Tyler agreed, scooping up the piles of books and sheets, not needing to order them by size or centrally before dropping them down onto the floor next to him.  
“I have a question, something I’ve always been meaning to ask,”  
“What’s that?”  
“Up there,” Josh twisted a little, arm brushing against Tyler as he pointed to the piece of paper stuck above his headboard, then read it aloud. “Tread softly because you tread on my dreams. What does it mean?”  
“It’s from a poem.”  
“One of yours?”  
“No no, W. B. Yeats, he’s just, he’s a poet I really like? And this is from one of his, The Cloths of Heaven, and I’m not gonna recite it or anything but it’s pretty short and, yeah, I know it by heart and I just think about it a lot.” He shrugged and Josh watched his lips rather than his eyes. “Basically, the speaker would lay down anything for this girl he’s in love with to protect her feet, and he says what he’d do if he was a rich man or a god, elaborate cloths made from the sky, but since he’s just a poor man, all he can offer is his dreams.”  
“That’s beautiful.”

“I, uh, I went through a stage of not sleeping?”  
“I remember. Middle of November.” Josh surprised him with his attention to detail, still watching his mouth and not making eye contact.  
“Yeah, yeah that’s right, and uh, one night after I had a nightmare or whatever, my mom stayed up with me to make sure I was okay, and to distract me we just wrote little poems in cursive and stuff. Thought I’d keep that one above my bed since, you know, dreams and sleep and stuff.”  
“And if it makes you remember a poem you love then it’s a nice final thought before bed.”  
“Exactly.” Tyler nodded.

“I wish I was more like you.”  
“You don’t,” Tyler resisted the urge to laugh awkwardly whilst picking at the seam of his sock.  
“No I’m serious Ty, I do. You’re interested in poetry and language and deeper thoughts and understanding human emotions and meaning and all these huge questions. What am I interested in?”  
“You’ve got the church.”  
“I guess.” He shrugged and Tyler was confused for a moment because it contrasted so strongly the person he had met when he joined the school. Maybe he wasn’t the only person who had changed.

“And you’ve got Debby.” Tyler added, not really wanting to watch the way Josh’s smile grew when her name was mentioned. Jealousy. But this time the gentle smile didn’t curl bigger and he was saved from the heartache.  
“I have.”  
“And your youth groups and your volunteering and fundraising and loads of other stuff. Really in comparison, poetry is just sad.”  
“It’s not Ty,”  
“It can be.”

“Is yours?” Josh looked up at him with awaiting eyes. Beautiful eyes.  
“Is my what?”  
“Your poetry sad?”  
“Oh,” He thought about it for a moment. “Um, I mean, uh,”  
“You don’t have to say.”  
“It’s okay. It used to be sad, or more just for venting purposes I guess? Like it didn’t make much sense and sometimes I had to do things in weird patterns-“  
“To satisfy that little voice you used to hear,” Josh knew exactly where he was going and for once Tyler didn’t feel uncomfortable hearing it out of someone else’s mouth.  
“Yeh. But since I don’t really hear it as much anymore, I guess I can write slightly better? And about more hopeful subjects.” All his poems these days were about Josh. How Josh looked, how Josh acted, how Josh made him feel. They were all about Josh. But Josh didn’t need to know that.

“I’d love to hear one someday.”  
“Maybe,” He shrugged.

“Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.” Josh said to himself, staring into the distance as he thought about the line, Tyler watching the way his temple moved as he tensed his jaw. “Hmm,”  
“You like it?”  
“I like it.” He smiled across at him, fondness filling his eyes and driving Tyler crazy. He had to look away. He had to gulp.

“What’s your favourite poem?”  
“What? Of all time?” Tyler checked and Josh nodded, doing a very good impression of being interested. “Oooh, big question, urm, I’m not sure honestly. There’s another one by Yeats that I like,”  
“Do you know it by heart?” Josh asked innocently and he nodded. “Will you perform it?”  
“Josh,”  
“Please Ty? For me?” He reached across and touched Tyler’s leg, and in that moment, he would do anything for him.

“I-it’s called Never Give All the Heart,” Tyler was suddenly nervous under Josh’s watchful gaze, but he smiled softly and, although his heart raced faster, his mind felt calmer. “Never give all the heart, for love will hardly seem worth thinking of to passionate women if it seem certain, and they never dream that it fades out from kiss to kiss; for everything that’s lovely is but a brief, dreamy, kind delight.”

The words flowed easily, they were deeply embedded in his mind and his lips controlled themselves, opening his thoughts up to absorbing every inch of Josh’s face, every miniscule reaction, the fondness of the discreet tilt, the warmth of the smile tugging wide but not showing teeth, the softness of his cheeks that longed to be stroked.

“O never give the heart outright, for they, for all smooth lips can say, have given their hearts up to the play.”

The eye contact had been constant but suddenly Josh’s vision dropped to Tyler’s lips. Not the first time today. A part of him wished Josh would stop being such a tease, he must have known how utterly and completely head over heels in love with him he was, but a bigger part of Tyler knew that Josh wasn’t a tease. He wasn’t teasing, he, he was really, he was really, could he really be?

“And who could play it well enough if deaf and dumb and blind with love?”

For so long he had thought this to be one sided, dismissed every move Josh made as simple projection, but he couldn’t deny the way Josh’s lips peeled apart, starting to open as he started to lean ever so slightly forwards.

“He that made this knows all the cost, for he gave all his heart, and lost.”

Never before had time moved so slow and yet so quick, because before Tyler knew what he was doing, his hand was guiding Josh’s jaw closer and their lips collided. It wasn’t a fast kiss, nor was it messy, it was intense and it was urgent and it was everything Tyler had been hoping for, and then, just like that, it was ripped away from him.

“Josh-“ Was all he could desperately whisper, but the magic was over and Josh’s panicked filled eyes had remnants of a deer in headlights, lingering for a moment before suddenly bolting.

 

 

If Zack had one question, just that one single question, that he had to answer to save his life or the lives of his family, well, you could ask him anything except ‘how many times had Tyler called him an idiot?’ because he’d lost count a long time ago. They were brothers, after all. Insults were part of their natural communication and as children their vocabulary didn’t stretch to anything more imaginative than idiot or nasty-pasty. At a guess, the word has left Tyler’s lips over 2 million times. Probably. Although knowing Tyler, it would be some perfect multiple of 4 instead, and he had the patterns memorised but Zack didn’t and couldn’t be sure whether the figure ticked the box.

“Oh, fuck.”

Zack was a bit older now and knew how and when to swear, unlike his big brother, and boy, nothing could express his feelings better right now. Joshua fucking Dun had just run out of his house looking paler than Zack had ever seen him, sprinting faster than he had ever seen him.  
Despite what Tyler often claimed, Zack was not an idiot. Douchebag? Maybe, at times. But an idiot? Not really. By the time Josh had reached the end of their driveway. Zack was through the front door, the basketball he’d been using for practice rolling drunkenly after the boy who’d plagued Zack’s life for the past few months.

“Zack. I- urgh. This is so, I mean, gah. I’m in love, Zack. I’m quite sure of it, I’m, yes, I’m definitely in love.”  
“But he’s straight, Ty,”  
“I know, tha-at’s my issue, that’s where the problem is,”  
That was so typical. That’s what Tyler had been trying to express from his position near the wall, not quite leaning on the wall, but near it as he took a break from shooting his 500 hoops the weekend after Josh and Debby had come for dinner. It made sense, ever since the name Josh had first passed his brother’s lips, which curved slightly towards a smile the family had barely seen for years as he said it, Zack had known the boy was special.

“Fuck.” Zack repeated as he paused in Tyler’s doorway.

Zack wasn’t an idiot, he knew Tyler would be upset. Whatever it was that happened had to be pretty big, Josh had shown endless patience and understanding so far. However, Zack didn’t quite know what to do with an upset Tyler who wasn’t actually…upset. He could deal with tears or tantrums but Tyler was simply sat there. Staring at a school exercise book that lay on the floor. He knocked four times from habit and slowly walked closer to the bed, quickly noting that there were actually two exercise books. Josh’s and Tyler’s.

“Ty? Buddy, Josh just, uh, ran past me, is everything… okay?” His only response was Tyler finally blinking as he dropped his hand from where it had been hovering near his mouth. Silence. The emptiness that should’ve been filled with words seemed to stretch and wrap around the two teens, numbing their senses until a low buzzing in their ears was all they were aware of, patiently waiting to be broken by words.

“Tyler, did you kiss him?” The question felt unnatural. This was Tyler, Tyler didn’t speak to anyone in their old school let alone ask people out. Tyler didn’t do touching. Yet, it had to be that way around. Josh was… definitely straight. With slight homophobic undertones to his actions sometimes, which Debby would stop or subtly correct. It was curious, how easily Josh let her stop him say what he was thinking when he clearly felt so strongly about it. Felt strong enough about it to run away as though Tyler had insulted him, rather than pull away apologetically, explaining he was straight.

Zack didn’t have time to think about Josh, as the second he said ‘kiss’ Tyler’s hand had flown back up to his face but instead of hovering uncertainly centimetres from his skin, he was rubbing at his lips harshly.

“Stop! Ty, what the heck. Quit that.” Zack grabbed at Tyler’s wrist to stop his brother rubbing so violently against his lips which were slightly cracked due to Tyler’s hatred of Chapstick and already flaking off against his fingers.

Tyler screeched, high-pitched and raw. He wrenched Zack’s hand from himself and shuffled backwards on the bed until his back met the wall. Bedroom walls were different to outside walls, obviously. Tyler had no qualms ensuring every possible millimetre of his spine was pressed into the painted plaster that was so much easier to clean and check for cracks than the cement and bricks outside. Tyler didn’t need to give a second thought to the possibility of something being inexplicably wrong about his bedroom wall, perfectly smooth and fracture free and able to bear the weight of the attic above with ease, before he forcibly brought the back of his head into sudden contact with it.

Zack didn’t know if he should panic at his brother’s behaviour or laugh because, even when he was this distressed, Tyler showed a penchant for uniformity. However accidental it was, by some weird chance the position of Tyler’s head and shoulders in relation to the sparse decorations on the wall suggested that his spine was aligned perfectly in between the only posters that were in the room. As Tyler’s skull bounced from the wall for the fourth time, Zack knew he should panic. Silence fell again, uncomfortable as the younger brother struggled to find the words he needed. Words and emotions were Tyler’s thing.

To the right of his brother’s head was a poem ironically reminding Zack of ‘what peace there may be in silence’.

The quiet was broken by Tyler this time, as he began to hit his head again.  
“Tyler, stop, please. Mom’ll be home soon, yeah? P-please, she’ll make it better?” A second smack. “Ty, I don’t know what to do!” Zack’s confused panic joined his brother’s, the two struggling to think clearly as Tyler’s head hit the wall a third time. And then a fourth time.

“Please, listen to me, Tyler. You can’t fix this one.” Zack took advantage of the pause.

Tyler was listening. Zack could tell by the way his eyes narrowed slightly, he was intrigued by what Zack had just said.  
“If I could fix fix fix fix stuff, I wouldn’t be what I am.” Tyler shifted, intending to start hitting his head again until the bad noises and voices finally stopped. Until the last thing to come into contact with his skin was navy paint, not boy’s lips, which he could still feel.

Josh’s lips were smoother than his. Josh was not physically healthier than Tyler in any way, they were of similar weights but Josh had no muscle and looked as though he avoided sunlight. He bruised easier and had numerous twinges in his joints. But his eyes still sparkled and his lips were soft.

“And what are you? Brave. You’d change that? You’re telling me you’d choose to be a coward if you could.”  
Tyler snorted. First he was making his Mom proud and now he was brave. Maybe he was dreaming, that would explain how he found the balls to kiss Josh. Shit, he’d kissed Josh.

“You are, you know. A different brave to war heroes I’ll admit. But you’re still brave. I’ve spent three years pining after Hannah at our old church and I’ve not made a move. And usually you’d laugh and you’d joke that – at least I hope it’s a joke – that she’s out of my league, that’s what you always say Tyler. And we laugh because what do you know, hey? You’d never even kissed a guy, until today.” Zack noted how Tyler tensed again when he said that but continued before the older boy could react further.

“You put yourself out there. This time six months ago you could barely talk to Popop and now you’ve spent over an hour talking to Josh, doing your schoolwork. If Josh can’t see how brave you are then that’s his fault. He doesn’t know what I know. He’s never seen you cry because Jay took one Oreo from the packet not two. Look at yourself, Tyler. You’ve come so far in such a short space of time. A-and it might work out okay. Josh might not love you like you love him, but he might still like you enough to want to hang out. Which is better than nothing. Not all hope is lost, okay?”

Tyler turned his head to look at the line of poetry he’d discussed with Josh less than 8 minutes ago. Tread softly because you tread on my dreams. Tyler knew he was abnormal, and how he wished to fix that. His sole dream was normality. He didn’t need three (four) wishes, just that one. And settling down, with someone you loved who made you feel like you could function? Was that not the epitome of normality for most people?

Josh had trampled over that dream.

But Tyler failed to find it in himself to be angry at the first real friend he’d ever had, he may not be accustomed to his Mom saying she was proud and meaning it but he was more than used to acknowledging the fact that normality was beyond his capabilities. He was just different. He couldn’t blame Josh for not wanting to be with him.

“It’s not your fault, Ty. It was the honest thing to let him know how you feel, honest and brave. If he’s too bigoted to stick around after this then- God have mercy on the world if people are still living so narrow-mindedly. If he lets your sexuality stop him seeing how awesome you are then I swear down, I’ll march right over to his house and beat some sense into him.”

Zack could feel a burning frustration begin to form, over-riding the concern he had for his brother. He didn’t understand Tyler, but he knew something was off about him. It wasn’t bullying like Mom had always thought, Tyler was just different and sometimes those differences were scary. Tyler wasn’t scary, he wasn’t naturally violent to others unless he was panicked but Tyler’s brain was terrifying. It made Tyler violent towards himself.

“I know I ignored you a bit, a lot, at our old school but I can stand up for you here and if that means kicking ass on your behalf then I’ll do it. Even if I get suspended. Suspension might actually be fun, I’ll get to chill at home like when we were home-schooled. But whatever, you know? Whatever happens, whatever the consequences, I’m gonna stick up for you Ty because you’re my big bro and right now you need some protection.”

Tyler didn’t respond further. He had too many words in his brain to get any out of his mouth, and everything he was thinking was irrelevant to what Zack was saying. Josh didn’t need to have common-sense beaten into him, he clearly had made the logical decision when running out. Tyler didn’t really have friends, let alone boyfriends, and that was for the best.

 

 

Blind fear led him to only one place. Blind, blurry, angry fear led him to only one place, the only place that mattered, the only place that could help him, the only place that could save him. Church.

Time held no meaning to him, speed held no significance, all he did was sprint and all he felt was sin. He could feel it, its thick blackness sloshing inside of him, seeping through his skin, leaking out for all to see and coating him in shame. His cracks were showing, his sin was spilling, he was grotesque and he was sick and he was a disgrace.

Another hysterical, tearless, sobbing gag escaped up his throat and he felt the sin in his mouth all over again, felt Tyler’s tongue in his mouth again, thought that he might start heaving again. He didn’t have time to stop and scratch his tongue out no matter how much he longed to do so, he was in a rush, he had to get to the church before the sin corrupted him any further.

God was everywhere, He was ever present, ever watching, which meant He had seen what Tyler had done. Tyler, the filthy homosexual, Tyler had violated him. Josh should have known better, should have trusted his instincts when he learned what a vile sinner Tyler was, rather than letting temptation win and giving that wretch the chance to warp his mind. His mom had been right, the fags were manipulative and deceiving and exploitive. All these months, Tyler had been tricking him, conning him, all to worm his way into Josh’s soul and corrupt him from within.

God was everywhere, but God wasn’t close enough. Josh knew he needed to be on his hands and knees begging to be saved in the house of the Lord, laying down everything he was and giving up everything he could for the mercy of his saviour, needed to repent till his tongue went numb and his toes turned blue. He needed to tear himself open and pray for healing of the burdens that penetrated each hurried stride with shame. Bitter ugly shame.

At long last he reached the building he craved and yanked on the door handle aggressively, but it didn’t give and he let out a cry of frustration. He needed this so badly, and yet God didn’t want him in His house. With another yank, he was absolutely sure it was locked. But he couldn’t give up that easily, couldn’t sit and stew in his sin until someone with a key came along, and instead sprinted round the back of the huge building, testing every door before finally seeing a fire exit propped open by a chair. He knew his god was testing him, but he deserved it.

The church air was still compared to the winds outside, and his emotional pants of exhaustion and confusion were the only sound as he staggered down the corridor, desperately searching for where to collapse and begin his cleanse, finally finding his way to the main nave of the holy site. He turned his back to the endless rows of empty seats and fell down in front of the huge wall cross in a fit of sobs.

He wasn’t worthy, he wasn’t worthy, he was sick and in desperate need of salvation but feared not giving enough to his saviour to deserve such blissful holy love and the gift of forgiveness, and wept at the idea of never feeling God’s love again.

"Oh, wash me, cleanse me from this guilt. Let me be pure again. For I admit my shameful deed—it haunts me day and night." Josh managed to pull his head off the ground and screamed the psalm hoarsely and tearfully at the cross, desperate for the relief his god could supply. Instead he felt yet more guilt pulsing through his veins, yet more sin pulsing through his system.

“It meant nothing! I’m sorry! I’M SORRY!” He howled hysterically, “Lord Jesus, I am a sinner! I sinned! Please, please, I’m desperate, please, show me the light! Teach me how to rid myself of these impurities, show me the light, show me my path back to you for I am lost, please,”

The overwhelming terror that controlled his movements forced his body to collapse again, not having the strength to hold himself up when under the scrutiny of such greatness. His head held contact with the floor as he wept then forced himself up once more to open himself up further and beg forgiveness.

“I NEED YOU TO SAVE ME! PLEASE!” The shrill squawks echoed but Josh was deafened to anything but his own sobs. “Please, I love you Jesus, please, please, let me in,”

His harsh angry hands scraped their way through his hair and latched on tightly to tufts which he pulled to trigger pain that might inspire him to give up more for his Lord. He’d give up anything. He would give up everything if that was what it took.  
“Please,”  
“Oh, hello Josh, church isn’t open just yet, not quite done. Won’t be long.” Jason, the janitor, walked through the door with his mop and trolley and found Josh on his hands and knees weeping.  
“Please, you have to help me sir,” He begged the man who walked the church halls almost as often as he did.  
“Help you? What’s up?”  
“I sinned!”  
“Sinned, right,” he looked confused.  
“YOU HAVE TO HELP ME!”  
“Uh, Father Tim should be here soon, half an hour, maybe less? He’ll be able to give you better guidance, I’m, uh, I’m not so good at this Josh.”  
“I NEED HELP NOW!” Josh’s voice cracked through the tears.

“I’m not sure, um, I, I don’t, here? How about this? Try this?” The janitor picked up a bible from the low table near the front of the stage and held it out to him. For a few seconds he was frozen, but then reached up with a shaking hand and took it off him gratefully, cradling it close.  
“Th-thank y-you,”  
“Whatever happened, you know, it can’t be that bad, you’re a good kid. Everything seems really bad at the time, but this time tomorrow I bet you’ll have forgotten why you’re so upset. And remember everyone makes mistakes. But God, isn’t forgiveness His thing?” Jason tried to comfort him, but Josh was beyond calming now. “I’ll, uh, I’ll go clean next door first, um, good luck with your, uh, with your repentance or whatever it’s called?” He awkwardly rushed back out of the room and left Josh with his precious book, shuffling to a sitting position and trying to find a verse that would help him.

He felt wrong, holding a book of such greatness with hands of such filth. It was as if he contaminated the thin pages with each flick of his disgusting fingers, and he sobbed harder as he caught sight of random words, all words of a love he may never feel again. He was a demon filled sinner who wasn’t worthy of love.

At last he found the psalm his mother always told him to read when he went against her will, 51:7-12, and although his swollen eyes were blurry with salt, he knew the words well and trusted in their power, whispering along as he read.

"Sprinkle me with the cleansing blood and I shall be clean again. Wash me and I shall be whiter than snow. And after You have punished me, give me back my joy again. Don't keep looking at my sins—erase them from Your sight. Create in me a new, clean heart, O God, filled with clean thoughts and right desires. Don't toss me aside, banished forever from Your presence. Don't take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me again the joy of Your salvation, and make me willing to obey You."

He finished the words and looked back up to the huge cross, first hopefully, then guiltily. Reading had done nothing, begging had done nothing, nothing he was doing was changing the fact that he had, he, he had-

Filled with hysterical guilty rage, he threw the bible away from him with a loud scream, feeling so lost and so scared and so overwhelmed that it was as though he couldn’t control himself. However, the scream that followed the boom of the holy book colliding with the wall was twice as loud and twice as guilty.  
“Shit!” He realised what a disgusting sin he had just committed, then realised he had committed yet another by cursing. He was out of control and he was possessed by demons and he couldn’t stop ruining everything; he hastily staggered to his feet and stumbled over to the Bible, barely being able to see through his tears as he picked it up again. One page was bent. A horrified squall escaped from within and he hugged the words of God close to his heart with one arm, then slapped himself in the face with his free hand.

Mother taught him pain expelled demons. He hadn’t been completely convinced until that moment.

Knowing a slap wasn’t enough, he set the bible down on the table again then pressed his palms flat against the white wall and, as fast and as hard as he could, smashed his forehead into the brick wall. Once. Twice. Three times. Four. It hurt, it throbbed, but it could hurt more. So he did it again.

 

 

Normal. What was normal? To Josh, normal was going to school every morning with a smile on his face and a spring in his step, it was handing homework in on time and breezing through classes with easy As and still finding a way to never be tired. It was always being in the mood to talk, always hungry to learn about another’s day. It was going to church multiple times every week and it was having a girlfriend and having a life plan and having the means to actually achieve it.

So why couldn’t Tyler be more like him?

Normal to Tyler, up until Josh had broken him out of the system, was waking up exhausted every morning just a few measly hours after he had finally fallen asleep, and it was not being able to throw on any old shirt but instead having to hunt through his drawer to find a label on which the size and the washing temperature combined to make a good number, then refolding every single shirt perfectly before going downstairs and crying his way through breakfast because he couldn’t manage 4 Weetabix, he felt sick, he was going to be sick, but still he had to cram in mouthful after mouthful or his mom would drop dead.

Tyler wasn’t normal and he was stupid for letting Josh cloud him from the reality that, even without the little voice, he still wasn’t normal.

It wasn’t even the fact he was gay, it didn’t matter, people didn’t care about that anymore, they cared about the fact that he couldn’t speak when he entered a room with other people, and they cared that he had a panic attack in assembly and had to run out in front of everyone, and they cared that he had scars. They didn’t care in a considerate sense, they cared enough to loathe him. He was the emo fucking freak and it was a completely deserved title. He was a fucking freak.

“Tyler, breathe slower,” Zack told him softly but he couldn’t. “Mom said she’d be here in 5 minutes 5 minutes ago, it won’t be long, just breathe” he said but the bad number made it even tougher to choke in a breath.

It wasn’t hard, everyone else could manage to get through an English presentation without bursting into tears and running so far away from school that the bus ride home took 50 minutes. Everyone else could shake Coach’s hand after a game without crying so hard they threw up in the shower afterwards. Everyone else could deal with a particularly difficult history homework assignment without relying so much on a blade to cope.

Why couldn’t he just be like everyone else?

“Oh baby, what happened? Too much too soon? I’m sorry darling, Momma’s sorry,” Mom came upstairs to find Tyler crying on his bed and Zack perched nervously by his feet.

“There was an incident with Josh.” Zack explained vaguely and softly, but the mention of his name meant Tyler let out a pained sob through gritted teeth.  
“What did he say?” She perched too.  
“He didn’t say anything, it was more of a, uh, an action on Tyler’s behalf,”  
“Oh baby, did one of those nasty voices come back? I’m sorry baby, I thought you could handle me not being here, if I had known that you were going to get worked up then I wouldn’t have-“  
“I kissed him Mom,” Tyler admitted with a hint of guilt and a thick layer of disappointment. Disappointment in the outcome, in himself, in Josh.

“You-you kissed him?” She, rightfully, didn’t believe what she was hearing. He was a pathetic and scared waste of space who should never do what he wanted. “And?”  
“And he ran.” Zack sighed.  
“Ah.”  
“He kissed back though Mom! He, he kissed back!” His voice was near silent through the hysterical tears.  
“Asshole.”  
“No need for that language Zack, can you just give us a moment?”  
“I’ll be in my room if you need me Ty,” his brother left the room with a chip on his shoulder, and Mom extended her arms out for Tyler to sit up and then collapse into, feeling her heartbeat as she pulled him tight against her chest, shushing him gently.

“Baby I’m sorry,”  
“I, I, I, I thought,”  
“You thought it was the right time?” She gave him the words and he did his best to nod from within her embrace. “Sweetheart, sometimes everything can be pointing one way and for you it’s all making sense and it feels right, but unfortunately you can’t change the way someone else feels.”  
“I thought he liked me.” Tyler squeaked and then proceeded to start sobbing again, receiving a long kiss on the crown of his head.

“He’s got a girlfriend Tyler. He likes you, of course he likes you, but he likes you as a best friend, not as anything more than that-“  
“But-“  
“Baby, baby, I know it’s horrible but you need to try and see it from his perspective, he’s your best friend and he has done so much for you, worked so hard with you on your panic attacks and your self harm and tried to make you feel comfortable and supported here, and you might interpret that as attraction-“  
“HE KISSED BACK!” Tyler screamed insistently but she just sighed.

“Ty,” She sighed again. All anyone ever did was sigh. “Listen, how about I go downstairs and quickly make sure the little ones are settled, then I’ll whip you up a hot chocolate and a hot water bottle and we’ll build a cosy den out of your blankets and we’ll talk about what happens next. Talk about how we can make sure that this doesn’t result in you struggling again, doesn’t result in any unhappy feelings for either party, doesn’t result in a breakdown of your relationship with Josh. We can fix this, okay? We can claw this back somehow and salvage it. We can fix this.”

She carefully pulled his head off her chest and held him for a moment, both hands framing his jaw and thumbs stroking below his ears as he avoided eye contact. Tears streamed down his face and the salt made his cheeks itch but his fingers were anxiously fiddling with one another and he daren’t reach up in case Mom took it as an opportunity to hold his hand. He couldn’t cope with the amount of physical contact already, any more would push him to desperate measures.

“I’ll get Zack to come and sit with you again? Just to keep you safe?”  
“K.” He sniffed, knowing it was for the best and he couldn’t be trusted at that moment in time. She touched her lips to his forehead briefly then left the room once again. Tyler’s hands had barely wiped his face then covered his eyes for more than a few seconds before his next babysitter traipsed in.

“Ty?”  
“I’m fine.” Tyler didn’t take his hands off his face as he tried and failed to seize control of his gasping breaths.  
“Want me to kill him? I’ll fucking kill him for pulling a stunt like this,”  
“No!”  
“He knows how you get! He knows! I don’t care how fucking straight he is, he should have stayed and prioritised making sure you’re okay, he-“  
“What, wh-what, i-if he d-d-does it hims-self?”  
“Does what?” Zack sat next to him, face decorated with concern.  
“Kills himself!” Tyler cried out.  
“Ty-“  
“He hates gays! He hates us! He, he,”  
“Tyler.”  
“No no no no, what have I done? No no no no,” Realisation washed over him that it was almost certain Josh was dead, and he started pulling his own hair out through the desperate unorganised hysterics.

“Stop it, stop. Tyler, Tyler stop!” Zack ultimately had to grab him by the wrists to prevent him from forming literal bald spots, and Tyler squirmed and struggled against the physical contact but Zack held him strong. “Stop it, stop, just listen to me okay, Tyler. You. Have. To. Calm. Down.”

He said it as though it was easy, as though it was a choice that he was making to choke on his burning lungs and fight against the harsh restraints that made his skin scream and cry because the man he loved was dead because of him.

“Okay, okay I’m here,” Mom said but Tyler’s eyes were sealed tightly shut.  
“Do I let go? He was hurting himself.”  
“Ask him.”  
“Ty? Are you gonna be calm if release you? Do-“  
“LET GO!” he begged.  
“Do you promise not to hurt yourself?”  
“PLEASE!”  
“Tyler, can you control yourself?” Mom took her turn to ask and he hurriedly nodded through the blind tears, not convinced he could but desperate not to be touched.

“Let him go Zack,” She sighed and at long last the harsh grip was released and Tyler let out both a gasp of relief and a rush of hectic anxiety fuelled energy. It was as though he had no control of his body as it leapt up off the bed and threw itself around his room, hands and head shaking manically then wrapping themselves around his crown before collapsing inwards into a protective ball on the floor, not quite close enough to the wall to lean against it.

“Baby,”  
“No no no no,”  
“Come on darling, don’t work yourself into a panic attack, stop the spiral Ty.” He knew she was crouching by his side but he was too overwhelmed to do anything about it.

“Do you want your hot water bottle, help calm you down?” She asked and he didn’t even nod as he reached out a single arm and snatched it off her, immediately using his other hand to twist the plug undone as fast as he could and then drop it on the floor and started purposefully pouring the boiling water over himself.

“No no, stop that right now.” Mom snatched the half empty cream rubber bottle off him and thrusted it to Zack, her attention on Tyler. The water wasn’t anywhere near hot enough to burn him, Mom had learnt since last time, but the sudden heat definitely caused his cries to become rawer. Without asking for permission, she rushed to pull the hot wet cotton of his shirt away from his chest and started fanning him a little in order to cool it down, then forced it up and over his head in spite of his protests.

He shook violently. It wasn’t the cold rush of air now evaporating the hot water off his bare chest, it wasn’t anger at anyone or even himself, it wasn’t even anxiety causing the jitters, it was sheer overwhelming emotion pulsing through his body. He wasn’t angry, he was furious, and he wasn’t anxious, he was terrified.

“Baby look at me,” She didn’t give him an option as her hands forced his face to meet hers, stroking his tear stained cheeks with her thumbs once again, this time with tears in her eyes. “You don’t need to do that, okay? You don’t need to hurt yourself.”  
“You’re so brave and you’re doing so well, don’t throw it away because of him.” Zack joined the effort, minus the tears.  
“Zacky’s right, you’re so brave Ty,”  
“I want Jo-osh,” Tyler wept.  
“He’s not here baby, but we are,”  
“I n-n-nee-ed J-o-osh,”  
“Well tough, that asshat made his fucking choice.” Zack said a little on the harsh side, and Tyler sobbed harder.

“Zack, darling, why don’t you go and get your brother one of your shirts to wear? You know he likes the-“  
“Black one with spots because it’s got a 40 inch chest and 16 spots, I know.” He nodded then left Tyler alone with his mom.  
“Can Momma feel your chest? Check if it’s burnt?” She asked softly and he didn’t give her permission but simultaneously didn’t screech no, so she moved one hand from his face and down to his exposed abdomen, touching the skin between the striped scars. Even through his swollen eyes, he could see her inspecting each dark purple line with sadness in her stare.

“I didn’t leave the tap running for long so it wasn’t too hot, so hopefully it’s not hurt you, but if you’re in pain then you tell me, okay?” She whispered and Tyler could barely hear over his cries. “Tyler you don’t need to be doing that or anything to try and hurt yourself-“  
“I des-s-deserve i-it.”  
“Why Tyler? Why?” A tear streaked her cheek.  
“He, he, he, he,” Tyler stammered once but had to say it four times. “d-doe-oesn’t, l-l-lo-ove, me, M-o-omm,”  
“Tyler Robert Joseph, you never pin your worth on someone else’s opinion of you.”  
“I HATE ME!”  
“I love you.”  
“I DON’T CA-ARE!” He screamed, followed by another eruption of hysterical tears.

“Josh does love you, poppet, he loves you so much,” She stroked his hair forcefully, rocking his ragdoll head back over and over again. “He cares about you and he wants you to be healthy and happy, and he likes spending time with you and learning more and more about what makes you you. He wants to listen every single time you want to talk, he wants to improve every single time you explain, he values you and your opinion above any other. He does love you.”  
“Not not not not how I love h-him,”  
“Maybe not,” she smoothed his slight fringe back again.

“Here you go Ty, fresh out the laundry basket.” Zack came back with a shirt.  
“Thanks, Zack, should we put this on baby? Make sure you don’t catch a chill?” She acted as though the cloth served any function other than hiding his scars from her, and started bunching up the fabric to make it easier for him to put on. He didn’t especially want to, but he knew if he protested then he’d be touched, and that was a far worse punishment. His arms felt heavy as he held them up and allowed her to thread the sleeves over them, and he had a sudden wave of claustrophobia when the collar was pushed over his head, but Mom noticed and pushed it faster.

“Deep breaths baby, well done.”  
“Do you want a glass of water?” Zack offered, and for a moment he contemplated saying yes just so he could smash it and use the glass shards to harm, but realised he had more important things to think of.  
“I, w-want,”  
“Yes?” He encouraged him.  
“I want y-you to ch-, to check o-on Joshh,”  
“Josh isn’t here Ty.”  
“GO AND CHECK HE’S OKAY!” A scream burst from somewhere deep within him and it even took him by surprise with its volume and severity, like a deeper layer of pain had been ripped open and exposed to the light and begged to be heard.

“Tyler, baby, Josh is fi-“  
“Go and check, go and check, go and check, go and check,” he stood up and started pacing with flapping hands, avoiding his mother, who was still sat on the floor, with each length back and forth.  
“We can’t leave you when you’re like this baby, you know we can’t, things could escalate and I’m not going to walk away knowing you could be hurting yourself, not even to check on Josh.”  
“He’s not worth it Ty, he’s not worth you getting this worked up over,” Zack muttered.  
“He is he is he is he IS!”  
“Nobody is worth sacrificing your clean streak for sweetheart.”  
“HE’S WORTH EVERYTHING TO ME! EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING!” He howled through the tears.

“Angel, back before we moved here, do you remember what life was like? Do you remember how hard life was? The panic attacks and the cutting and the begging to die?” Mom had a sombre undertone to her suddenly lower voice, and Tyler wanted to scream that of course he fucking remembered, he still fucking lived it every single time Josh wasn’t by his side, and his heart clenched at the reality that Josh would never speak to him again and he was about to be plunged back down into the pit with the multiplier of knowing what he was missing out on.

“I don’t ever want you to feel like that again, so we need to work out a way to make sure that Josh knows it was just an accident,”  
“It wasn’t an accident Mom, Ty, Ty’s wanted this for a long time,” Zack scratched his head whilst Tyler scratched his upper arm passively with his nails, eyes fixed ahead.  
“Is it a lustful crush Tyler? Or is it more? Be honest with Momma.”  
“Love love love love love love love love,” the word rolled off his tongue almost as pleasantly as Josh’s lips had pressed against his earlier that evening.

“This is going to be difficult then, it’s going to be difficult but not impossible, okay? I know you’re strong enough and brave enough to get over hi-“  
“NO! I can’t! No, I can’t! No, I can’t! No, I can’t!”  
“Why do you always do that when you’re worked up Ty? Why do you say things so many times?” Zack asked, but he couldn’t explain when his head was already busy enough.  
“He just likes the fours.” Mom inaccurately summarised, failing to grasp the severity of the situation. It wasn’t that he liked them, it was that things always went wrong when he used any other number. Things always went wrong. Just like today, maybe if he had stopped relaxing and kept working and continued to use the fours then maybe everything wouldn’t have gone so cataclysmically wrong and his life wouldn’t be spiralling into complete fucking intolerable misery.

“Tyler, have you tried just calling Josh? He was probably a tad confused by the whole situation and needed some space, but maybe now he’ll have calmed down a bit and be ready to talk?”  
“No no no no.”  
“Why don’t you try Ty? You know that Josh is always prepared to listen to you, I’m sure today is no different. Maybe this is a little into the unknown, out of your comfort zones, but the basis of your friendship is solid nonetheless.”  
“I don’t want to be his friend! I LOVE HIM!” Tyler cried out and silenced them both for a moment.

“I love him Mom, I love him I love him I love him I love him.”  
“And maybe he loves you back, maybe he needs time,” Zack offered him hope.  
“Zack, don’t.” Mom stamped it out almost as a fast as Tyler’s own self doubt. “But baby, we can work this out, we can fix-“  
“I don’t want you to fix it! IT’S THE ONLY THING ABOUT ME THAT DOESN’T NEED TO BE FIXED!”  
“So what do we do Tyler? Because I can’t watch you get so down, so ill, all over again.”

He didn’t have a solution. He wished he did, he wished he knew what to do and how to cope, but for the past year his coping mechanism had been Josh and now Josh was the reason his lungs felt glass-lined.

“I’m fine,” Tyler gulped shakily.  
“You’re clearly not, but that’s okay baby, nobody’s expecting you to be right now.”  
“I said I am fine.”

It was a lie that nobody in the room believed, but in that moment, Tyler had a realisation. If things couldn’t carry on how they had been recently, if he couldn’t silently love Josh and silently fight for Josh and silently recover for Josh, then he wouldn’t recover at all. If things couldn’t continue, then things would have to go back to how they were before he even met Josh. It was back to the basement, back to the darkness, back to the voice and the panic and the blade. It was back to being him, the real him.

He wished he could find a silver lining, he scrambled desperately through scripts after scripts of thoughts, dismissing each idea thrown up as stupid. Familiarity offered no comfort when it was such a torturous engraving upon his mind and his skin. There was no safety in repetition when he remembered how unsafe his behaviours had become before Josh came along. Not even trust in his system of fours could supply him an ounce of hope when he knew how destructive and how hollowing the strategy would become. And yet he did nothing to prevent himself from sliding back into old habits, there was nothing he could do, he was a slave to the inevitable and a prisoner of the truth that, without Josh, he was nothing.

“I said I am fine, I said I am fine, I said I am fine.” He whispered, having to finish the set.

 

 

Josh’s view of the world was restricted. For the fifth time since he’d left the church he found himself only able to see tarmac and a thin strip of the rest of the world. His thoughts were coherent but looping round slightly, repeating themselves four or five times before he understood them. If he focused he could catch his thoughts a bit quicker and process them better but it was hard to focus when you were so woozy you kept kissing the floor. Once he’d pushed himself up onto his elbows and blinked away the tear induced fuzzy edges, Josh recognised where he was.

Mr and Mrs Ryan kept an open home. Whilst their daughter Debby was well known and well liked at school, she only hung out with a small group of friends, and as a result the couple had gotten to know the teens she trusted most very well, watching the majority of them grow up from young boys and girls who still clung to their parent’s leg in the playground before school to mature young adults.

Debby’s friends were welcome in the Ryan home at any time. If there was a car on the driveway then someone was bound to be home and they could come over and help themselves to food and drinks as they wished. On Saturdays, if an adult was home, the front door was often left unlocked, allowing anyone who was friends with Debby or her parents to come on in and find the first family member they could for company. The only rule was that they took off their shoes in the hallway.

Josh leant on the front door as he waited for someone to come open it. He’d been given a copy of the key last year but it was safe on his keychain, which he bought specifically for Debby’s key as he hadn’t yet been trusted with one for his own home, in his rucksack on the floor next to Tyler’s bed.

Of course he’d ended up here.

His survival instinct had directed his feet to his childhood street, but instead of going home he’d come to Debby’s. He felt guilty whenever he acknowledged the fact that he was more comfortable there. It was probably the masses of cushions with hand-made covers and fluffy blankets that could be found in almost every room, or the pictures of a younger Debby with the same smile adorning her face as she sat in the sun somewhere that had been hung on various walls. Maybe it was the gentle hum of classical music from the radio in the kitchen that was almost always on. It was a stark contrast to the silence and bare walls of Josh’s house. There had been photos once, various snaps taken by others on church outings and given to his parents. Josh couldn’t remember when they’d been taken down, or why.

A gurgled sound made its way from his mouth as the door was opened a crack, a groan soon followed it as Josh lifted his head up slightly to meet Debby’s eyes. His thoughts were still jumpy and the pain was not helping.

“Debs. Gotta lemme, lemme-“.  
“J? Babe, are you okay? Can you get off the door?” Debby was confused. Josh was supposed to be at Tyler’s house, why was he leaning on the door and talking with a slight slur? “Woooooow, okay, sweetie. Steady.” Debby pulled the door open more and caught Josh, who’d stepped backwards off the front step, before he fell.  
“Debby-“ Josh sobbed, pulling her hands from him and dropping to his knees.  
“Josh?!”  
“I’m s-sorry.” Josh sobbed again. He’d cried the whole way home, dehydration deepening his headache.  
“About what, J? What happened to your face?!” Debby hadn’t originally noticed the latest addition to the many injuries littering her boyfriend. That realisation said a lot about his parents. Debby carefully took hold of Josh’s arm again, careful not to irritate any extra injuries he could have hidden, and urged him in.

Josh allowed himself to be pulled over the threshold of the house and into the hall, his head spinning with the movement. He didn’t look up from his hands. He didn’t glance over his shoulder and across the street to his house where his mother stood, watching Abi trying to dust ornaments with a cast on, at the window of the front room with fury starting to deepen the lines on her forehead.

"What was the reason this time?" Debby held a bag of frozen sweetcorn wrapped in a tea towel to the bump quickly forming on his forehead.  
He was sat in his usual chair at the kitchen table. "Hit my head." he replied, shrugging.  
"J. C'mon, it's me. What happened?" Debby's tone was practised. A careful balance between gentle and commanding.  
"It's not, not what you think. Wasn't her. I hit it."  
"At Tyler's? Why didn't you go to Kelly?”

Josh pushed the bag of sweetcorn away, he didn't have time for all this questioning.  
"Look, that's, urgh. Not important, okay? I need to tell yo- " his racing heart felt as though it was in his stomach, causing the acid there to churn and roll making him nauseous. He couldn't tell Debby. It was wrong, she'd break up with him and stop him from coming over when he needed or wanted.

When Josh was younger he was easily frustrated. Being shouted at, having belongings confiscated or privileges withheld was not something he deemed to be fair, even if he truly had misbehaved. Throwing a strop or screaming at his parents never ended well and so he found his own way to cope with the trials and tribulations of living in the Dun household. From the second he could read well enough, Josh would calm down by flicking through his children's book of prayers. After any form of upset he could be found on his bed, often pouring over the sections about asking for forgiveness or praying for the moral strength to apologise. It never failed to calm him. Prayer had never failed to calm him. God had never failed to help him before today.

Josh knew his parents had room for improvement in their parenting methods but he also knew their actions stemmed from the right place. They only ever had his best interests at heart. His parents were smart, they always knew a very good reason as to why a film or music record was sinful. And although it sucked having such a restricted knowledge of pop culture growing up, Josh respected their decisions. After all, he didn't particularly want to be corrupted by the devil. Yet somehow, he had been.

Josh had kissed Tyler back. He hadn't kissed Tyler, no. He wasn't quite that adulterous, he still had time to be saved. Maybe. His mind grasped at what he was taught, trying to soothe himself. Romans 3:23, all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Hebrews 7:35, he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he was always lives to intercede for them. Surely Josh had not gone too far. It was Tyler who'd made the move, meek Tyler. Deceiving Josh with his faux innocence and Josh had fallen for it. He had sinned because of Tyler and gone to repent only to repeatedly sin again.

Surely he wasn't too far gone. Plenty of people at church had done worse. He knew God was complex, sometimes His help didn't come in the form you expected but...praying had never failed. He should at the very least feel half the weight of his suffering lifted from his shoulder where he carried it, an invisible cross of disobedience.

"Josh, please you're freaking me out." Debby moved the sweetcorn back to the bump.  
"I don't-" Josh batted the bag of veg away, accidentally catching the tea towel it was wrapped in and pulling it off before he continued, a slight whine entering his voice, "I don't understaaand".  
"Neither do I, sweetie. Maybe if you tell me what's happened I can help you figure it out?"  
"I don't- I just. I don't know. You'll-"  
"I'll?" Debby watched her boyfriend carefully as he shrugged in response to her question. “I’ll what, Josh?” She'd never seen him behave quite in this way before, even following head injuries, and was beginning suspect it wasn't the bump causing his confused state.

Josh broke eye contact and turned his head to stare at one of the cupboards. He'd asked and asked in the church for any sign of forgiveness and left feeling worse than when he entered. He didn't even feel any tranquillity in the building, he'd only disrupted the dusty peace that normally soothed his shaking soul. His Saviour, on His cross had stared past him with blank, dead eyes.

He had been tricked into this! The temptation of the devil that he'd strived to avoid for so long had snuck its way into his heart in the form of a shy lamb in dire need of a patient shepherd. Only for the lamb to turn out to be a wolf, intent on corrupting him from the inside out and blackening his blood along with his soul. It was sure to have caused some form of physical manifestation like the bruise slowly appearing across his forehead, marking him as dirty.

He didn't know what to do, he'd repented and punished himself. He'd bared his weakness to his god yet still, the guilt in his stomach sank deeper still with each throb in his skull.  
"Oh, God-" Josh's voice strangled itself over the lump forming in his throat as he shifted his gaze to the floor, "I don't know what to do."  
"About what?" Debby slowly lifted his face so she could meet his eyes and once again try to soothe the angry marks decorating his brow.  
"Please don't abandon me now." Josh continued his prayer, a final attempt to feel that strong connection he'd always taken for granted, "I'm broken before you, Father. I don't know how to make best of this situation, I promise. I won't let my heart fall victim to deceit again. Guide me. Please pl-" Josh's spiel was cut short by another wave of sobs.

Debby pulled her boyfriend into her arms and waited for a silence to settle.

The oven's clock showed a minute had passed, and then another and another until finally then only sound escaping Josh's lips were pitiful hiccoughs.  
Debby pressed her lips to the curls atop his head, "What did you do, baby?"  
"I- Ty. Tyler kissed me."  
"Oh." In all honesty, Debby hadn't expected that, and it hurt. It wasn’t so shocking that she felt numb before the pain set in, it was an instant slap of reality. She knew Tyler's sexuality would become an issue eventually, especially as it was clear to everyone but Josh that he was starting to fall for him, but she had not expected it to come about so soon. She hadn’t considered it would come about because Tyler had kissed Josh, she’d thought he would be honest and polite and talk to one of them first.

"I kissed him back!" the words rushed out, but there was still no change to the way he felt. Josh pulled away from Debby, "I'm sorry."  
"For what, baby?"  
"...I kissed Tyler back."  
"Well, you didn't initiate it? So I'll forgive you, it was only one kiss." Debby knew he needed to hear that. Yes, he had technically cheated on her but he hadn’t initiated anything and he had come to confess to her within hours. He wasn’t completely innocent and whilst she didn’t fully forgive him now, she knew she would soon. It hurt to know Josh had kissed someone that wasn’t her, but it wasn’t any worse than the pain she’d been dealing with recently. The pain that was caused by watching the young man who held her soul so carefully hand his own soul on to another.  
"No! It's- it's not just the kiss. It means I must have felt something for him at the time and, and-"  
Debby shut her eyes, focusing on the sudden darkness rather than her own emotions.

Josh had felt something.

They could discuss this later, right now he needed to be calmed. "It's okay, I know you wouldn't cheat on me, not properly."  
Josh inhaled sharply, "you- no! I would never cheat. I'm not a whore, I wouldn't dishonour you that way but you know that. That's not the point. The point is I kissed him!"  
"I wouldn't class that as adultery, J, it's okay," Debby's mind started to revel in the knowledge that he still actively cared for and felt something for her, he hadn’t ignored her recently by any means but she had been seeing less of him. Before she could enjoy the feeling too much, it finally clicked. The prayer, the bruise. Josh, who was raised in an extremely toxic and homophobic household, was struggling with the guilt of his perceived sin of kissing a guy. As far as he was concerned, he was practically the devil. She needed to help him accept there was nothing more he could do to repent before he went home and said something to his parents.

“It’s okay, Tyler’s a quiet guy, that’s probably why he didn’t say anything before acting, you weren’t to know he liked yo-“  
"He's a guy." he spat, cutting across Debby.  
"I-" Debby wasn't qualified for this. Josh hadn't had enough exposure to the more liberal views of acceptance preached in most the local churches, the view that she considered to be most accurate with the bible's message of love and acceptance. She couldn't drop it on him now that it was okay to be gay, his poor brain was already short circuiting.

"Josh," Debby took his hand, "it's okay. You've asked for help to figure this out and guide you and- and you've told me. I forgive you, the rest will come with time."

He was forgiven. John 1:9, if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins. He was not yet forgiven by the Lord, not yet saved again from the sin that had seeped into him, but forgiven by Debby. And she was undoubtedly the most important person in his life after the Lord and His Son. A portion of the guilt dissolved from his stomach, relief neutralising the overly acidic pH of his remorse.

Josh had been so intent on apologising to God he had forgotten to think of how his sin would affect others. How it would affect Debby. A steady rage still burned, directed at his own stupidity but fuelled by something else. Confusion? Inadequacy? Or maybe it was a combination of both that was bothering him. Why had he not felt this relief at the hands of his Lord? What had this act of sin changed about him so irrevocably that his Father had abandoned, if not disowned, him?

Josh moved slowly, still stuck in his thoughts, as he placed himself back into Debby's arms. Hopefully the safety of her presence would alleviate some of his loneliness.

It wasn't for long that Debby had to bear the weight of her taller, heavier boyfriend leaning into her chest. Before either teen could finish quietly processing their conversation and decide what they should do next the doorbell rang. Almost immediately after the doorbell went, their visitor, Laura Dun, stepped into the hall.

“Joshua? I know you’re here somewhere and you were due home 5 minutes ago!” her voice was raised slightly above normal but was yet to reach a shout. She made her way to the kitchen, certain she’d raised her son well enough that he had not gone to the bedroom of his girlfriend before marriage.

Debby threw the bag of sweetcorn behind her and rushed to try and wipe Josh’s face.  
“What happened to him?” Laura stared down at her son.  
“He, uh,” Debby panicked, she couldn’t tell the truth. She forced a slight smirk onto her face, “He was an idiot. Took a shortcut through the park and got his by a small boy’s AWOL baseball. Silly Billy.” She ruffed his hair for effect.  
“Well then he should learn to leave plenty of time to get home the without cutting corners like a sloth. Get up, Joshua. Your siblings are getting hungry.”  
Josh pulled himself to his feet with minimal support from Debby but there was still a slight unsteadiness in the way he held himself.

Debby steeled herself, she knew it wasn’t the hunger of her other children that had brought Laura over here. It was a warped form of jealousy, she was the one who controlled Josh and Josh should be home now. It was time that Debby handed him back over.

Arguing with such a woman would not be easy and Debby had to be careful that she didn’t make the situation much worse for Josh, without hesitation her mind recalled the teachings she had used in the youth group less than a week ago and she allowed the bible verse to give her the strength she needed. Corinthians 13:4-7; love is patient, love is kind, it is not envious. Love does not brag, it is not puffed up. It is not rude, it is not self-serving, it is not easily angered or resentful. It is not glad about injustice, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Debby would not let the sharper sting of rejection nor the deeper burn of heart-break she felt at knowing that Josh had kissed Tyler back stop her from helping him. Josh had endured injustice at the hands of his family his whole life and would no doubt suffer more in the months, or maybe longer, to come as he battled with his sexuality. It was something he could not be blamed for; therefore, she could not allow her anger and resentment to dictate her behaviour. She could bear the emotional turmoil that came included in the price of adolescence in the hope of smoothing the rough path her love, her soul mate, was starting to walk down.

“Mrs Dun? Could Josh stay here for a few hours, please? Not for the night of course, that wouldn’t be decent, but I’m just really worried about his little knock to the head. He seems okay, just a little bit off and I’m- I’m sure I’m just making a fuss over nothing it’s just- I could cook and bring some food over within the next 40 or so minutes I just don’t- I’m not sure Josh is really up to cooking. He wasn’t talking very coherently when he first arrived…” Debby knew it was unlikely his parents would agree to him staying the night but if she could bring the swelling down a bit and let him rest, maybe convince her parents to take him to hospital later just so he didn’t have to go home. If she could just delay the punishment he was bound to receive it would be something, it wouldn’t be perfect but it was better than having Josh kicked when he already down and out. There was no way he’d do anything to protect or defend himself in his current state. After all, he’d already hurt himself.

He thought he deserved a physical punishment for his sins. Debby hadn’t needed to try convincing Laura Dun to consider showing some empathy. She was defending a lost cause.

“Debs…don’t. You- you don’t need to- to” Josh was still feeling a bit fuzzy and he couldn’t pull his words together. “I’m fine. You’ve been brilliant and I- I feel, feel better already. L-let’s go, Mother. Dinner’s already late, I, I need to get it started.”  
Laura Dun was not petty enough to smirk as her son rightfully obeyed her and not his girlfriend. Debby Ryan was always a sweet girl, keen to help but she lacked the obedience of the Dun children. Her request had been phrased politely enough that Laura would not hold it against her this time, but it was certainly something she would bear in mind next time the Ryan family tried to interfere.

Josh didn't look back as he stepped into his house, he was sure Debby would be watching from her doorway but still wasn't sure he could meet her eyes. He kept his head low, eyes locked to the heels of his Mom's feet. He didn't see the fingerprints appearing on poor Abigail's upper arm as they passed where she was dusting in the hallway, indicating it was a particularly delicate day in the Dun household, and he didn't register the irritated whispered comment of his Mother pleading the young girl to do a decent job for once.

 

 

Josh’s head and neck were slack on his shoulders, they rolled backwards into the wall he was propped up on and he hadn’t the energy to move. His eyes were hardly open as he stared at the same two bibles that were always kept in the basement, the fatigue caused by the events of the day starting to set in. With a groan he realised his parents wouldn’t be pleased if they came down and he was asleep, he should be repenting. He shifted and cast his eyes around the room, pausing to stare at the belt. It was safe to say Josh hated that belt. He respected what it did for him, pushing him to try harder, but he hated it nonetheless. His parents only ever wanted to help him be better. His mother and father might punish him at times for small things like being late home, not getting dinner or breakfast ready on time, or both of those things on days like today, but it was only to teach him discipline. Respect for rules and for elders. All transferable skills that would help him be a better Christian. Josh hated that belt.

At least it wasn’t the cane. They saved that for the worst of sins. He was sure he deserved that today, but the belt would do. He’d ensured to repent and punish himself before coming home and Mother had chosen the belt. And she knew everything, Josh had never successfully hidden a misdemeanour from her growing up. He was sure she knew about his adultery, everyone must know by now. He hoped she was right and that the belt was enough.

Tyler was clearly too entangled with his life of sin to be saved easily and Josh had clearly been blinded by arrogance to miss that. Arrogant that he walked close enough to God’s path that his meanderings could never take him as far as kissing another boy or cheating on his love. Arrogant that despite his wrong-doings enough of the Holy Spirit shone through him to be the beacon of hope that called Tyler to repent.

Before he convinced himself he needed to be punished for his arrogance too, Josh’s thoughts were interrupted.  
“Josh? Josh are you okay?” Jordan’s whispered voice came through the vent.  
Josh cleared his throat as he slowly made his way closer to the vent, the welts on his back competing with his pounding head and wounded heart to see which could hurt the most.

“Yeah…why? It wasn’t that bad, she wasn’t too angry. Are you guys okay?”  
“Yeah, we could be worse. They’ve both been short all day.” There was a slight pause and Josh could hear Ashley’s voice in the background, “Ashley wants to know where you were before Debby’s.”  
“Tyler’s. Group project.” Josh kept his answers brief, not wanting to discuss such a filthy subject with his younger, impressionable, siblings.  
Josh heard his mother calling for both his sisters from the hallway. She was standing near the basement door so he froze, suspicious of her hearing, which at times seemed supersonic and not wanting her to hear his whispers. The sound caused another delay in the conversation, as Jordan and Ashley quietened too. All children tended to respond by instinctively freezing when their parents beckoned them.

“Why were you late, Josh? I saw you walking in with Mom, your head was hurt. Did you get in a fight?”  
“No, no. I made a dumb mistake that’s all. I wasn’t hit by anyone, just…hit a wall.” Josh smiled slightly as he heard his brother snort.  
“Sorry. Not, not funny. At all. I really shouldn’t laugh, I’m sorry. It’s just not like you to be so careless.”  
“Forgiven, try and control your reactions though, Jordan. You could hurt someone’s feelings.”  
“I know, I’m sorry.”

“Do you need anything? Have you eaten? Mom and Dad are going to church later, I don’t think they’re going to bring you water.”  
“I’ll be fine, thank you.” Josh deserved not to eat or drink. “Actually, please could you do me one favour?”  
“Sure, what it is?”  
“Text Debby. She worries, tell her I’m okay.”  
“Why would she worry?”  
“I don’t know, her parents are…lax with discipline, she thinks we get punished too harshly sometimes and with the bump to my head she’s concerned. Just, tell her I’m okay and I’ll speak to her at school on Monday.”  
“Is your head that bad? And, Monday? I’m sure you’ll be let out by then, and anyway, won’t we see her in church tomorrow? You can’t ignore her there.”  
“Jordan. Please?”  
“Fiineee, I’ll text your girlfriend. You’re acting weird today. Must’ve been a pretty hard wall.”  
Josh sighed, relieved as his brother’s voice grew fainter as he walked away.

Jordan had always had a few more issues with self-discipline and following their parents’ strict rules than Josh, but the younger boy had improved a lot throughout his teen years, probably his exposure to high school allowing him to see how much sin there was in the world and prompting him to actively ensure he was trying harder not to stray away from a faithful lifestyle.

Josh hoped his brother would never make the mistakes he made today. He hoped his brother would never had to deal with feeling so repulsed by himself, so embarrassed and ashamed of his own actions. Josh had never felt like this before, never had his mind try so stubbornly to drag him back to relive one moment. He knew this day would join the list of situations he’ll never stop thinking about in bed at night, wishing he could go back and do things differently. For now he could only wait for it to stop picking at him so insistently. He needed to think about his actions, he didn’t argue that. But he wanted to think about what they meant, why they happened, not relive the kiss over and over again.

Right now, he needed to learn from his mistake. He didn’t need to remember the way Tyler had looked immediately after. How beautifully the light caught him, adding a mesmerising glint to his eyes that Josh couldn’t quite identify.

Josh wondered if Tyler was struggling this much. The family, after all, claimed to be Christian. Yet, they knew of their son’s sexuality and hadn’t sent him to be helped. Josh knew of numerous excellent conversion therapist recommended by his Church. Maybe it was the cost, they had recently moved home. However, Josh had never picked up on a sense of disapproval. Tyler’s family all treated him with respect, well, Zack had his moments where some slightly unpleasant comments were made. Josh knew Tyler wished Zack was more understanding in day-to-day life, not just supportive when he really needed it, but Josh could understand Zack. He knew his brother was different but he didn't know what made him different, he had no idea how to help and that confusion turned into harsh comments and frustration sometimes. Josh had been praying for the younger brother's eyes to be opened so he could see the grief he caused Tyler.

How could Mr and Mrs Joseph let the other children, especially Zack and Jay, tiny little Jay who barely knew the true meaning of the word sin let alone how to protect himself from its influences, how could they let them both go near Tyler when he was so impure? Had Josh been more arrogant than he’d originally anticipated? The more he thought about it the more he considered the fact that the entire family had been misguided, none of them seemed to think that there was an issue with Tyler’s sexuality. Their old Church must have led them astray. He had always wondered how otherwise good Christian people could accept homosexuality as natural and right. What were they reading in the bible that indicated to them it was acceptable?

Josh remembered the first time he’d gone to the Joseph household, Josh had offered to help Tyler turn from sin once he strong enough and the poor, misguided teen had been confused. Unaware of any sin he was committing. Some of Josh’s anger dissipated, Tyler was unaware he was being fooled by the devil and Josh had assured him he wouldn’t abandon him in his time of need. The kiss was just the trigger point. It was time Josh did something active, rather than sit idly by, waiting for Tyler’s mental health to strengthen further.

He wouldn’t take him to his church just yet, no. Tyler wouldn’t handle being cornered and forced into repentance. Josh would have to work with him, study some scripture and slowly suggest that there was an issue. Start with verses that didn’t even deal directly with homosexuality but more broadly with love and marriage in general. By the end of the school year he’d have Tyler damning that kiss too.

The kiss. Josh tried to remember if there had been indicating of Tyler’s feeling before that, any sign in the seconds before that he was going to lean in and- and do that. This time Josh let his mind not only recall the kiss but linger on the memory, trying to find a subtle hint but his mind's echo of the incident wasn’t detailed enough. All he could recall was how good it felt, how right. His heart was torn, it hadn’t felt wrong. It hadn’t felt the same guilty-pleasure type of good that other sin felt like sometimes. It had calmed Josh’s mind and stopped all thoughts.

Part of him yearned to feel that again, but sin did that. It was addictive. Josh had to try and remain strong. If he was going to work with Tyler to bring him to a point of repentance, he himself had to stay diligent.

Josh hoped he could use his experience to help Tyler because the heartache he’d ignored all day hurt more than anything else right now. He’d hoped the weird rush of emotions he got around Tyler was pure excitement at the prospect of another friend but today had brutally taught him it was more. He was still sickened and disappointed by his actions, but he was almost as equally disappointed by the knowledge he’d probably never have a kiss feel so perfect again. He hoped Debby and Tyler were suffering less than he was and that any pain they had faded soon.  
Josh ached both for the pleasure of the kiss and with the knowledge that it wasn’t Debby invigorating these emotions. An inappropriately passionate kiss with Debby at this age, whilst immoral, wouldn’t hurt so badly because she was his love.

He knew his heartache would fade eventually but for now it was almost unbearable. Yet he wouldn’t pray for it to go, he still needed to be begging forgiveness. But he hoped it would go, the pain that is, not the memory. The traitorous part of his torn heart wasn’t sure he wanted the memory to fade completely.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a piece I co-wrote with my gorgeous buddy Jess who has been reading my fics on here for as long as I can remember. I've absolutely adored the writing process and I'm really happy with the outcome, so please leave us a comment and let us know if you'd like us to write more together (we probably will do whether you want us to or not :P love you girl xx)


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